Chuck Norris Facts!
by Caestice
Summary: Thought this would be the best place to post these, after my Dead Baby Jokes. Kind of random. Beware.


Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

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Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

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Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

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When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

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Chuck Norris can speak braille.

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Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

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Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

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Chuck Noris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

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Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

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The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

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If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

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Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

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Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

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We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

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At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

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Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

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Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

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Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

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The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

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Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

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Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

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If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

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Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

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The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

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Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

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The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.

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Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

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A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

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They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.

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Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

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Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

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When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

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Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

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Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

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Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.

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Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

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Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

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Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

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Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

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Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.

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Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.

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Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

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If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

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Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.

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The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

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Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

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Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

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To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

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If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

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Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

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Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

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Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

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Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.

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A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

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Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

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In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

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Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

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One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

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Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

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Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

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Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

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When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

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Chuck Norris takes no prisoners, but he does take their wives.

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Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas

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Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.

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Chuck Norris thought Arnold's movie "Commando" was lacking in senseless killings.

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Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

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Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

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Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.

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Chuck Norris has never used a question mark in his entire life. He believes that the interrogative tense is a sign of weakness.

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Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins.

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Chuck Norris once played Jenga. The result was the Empire State Building.

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Chuck Norris is the only person in history to have went black and went back.

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Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

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Chuck Norris once flipped a coin, it still has not landed.

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Chuck Norris found the cure to cancer a long time ago. he didn't tell anyone, stating it would "be funnier this way".

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When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck Norris isn't afraid of small children.

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It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

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Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick with his left leg and his right leg. At the same time.

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Chuck Norris does not have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.

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Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.

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When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

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Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

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Chuck Norris once got in a fight with Lance Armstrong over who had more testicles. Chuck Norris won by three.

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Not a huge lover of nature, Chuck Norris once killed a cloud.

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Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

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As a poor college student, Chuck Norris went to the local sperm bank to make some quick cash. He retired later that day.

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Chuck Norris does not know about this site. Otherwise he would have deleted the internet.

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When Chuck Norris enters a night club, he instantly becomes the life of the party. An instant is roughly how long it takes Chuck Norris to kill a room full of people.

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If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

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Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

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Chuck Norris tears can be collected, but you have to milk his eyes like the fangs of a cobra. Only one person has tried, and his name was Christopher Reeve.

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Chuck Norris once took part in a Civil War reenactment. It was the bloodiest day in American history.

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Chuck Norris won the Ironman Triathlon with a piano strapped to his back. Along the way he had sex with 59 women and one one man who was quote "bitching about his wife drowning from an orgasm." When he was given the medal, Chuck explained that he was just moving his piano and didn't realize that there was actually a race.


End file.
